the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
