I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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