Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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