Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
