in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she peed on how many people?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
