I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
