I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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