The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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