Don't make out with my wife yet
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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