last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
