If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
