there's paper in my vomit.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
