Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
