he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
