apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
