she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
