Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
