Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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