dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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