we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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