I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
