His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
