I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
