I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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