Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
