new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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