wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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