Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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