I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
