i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
