Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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