I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize