Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
