woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
