I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
