what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
