take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
