smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
