honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
