i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
