EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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