I cut my penus on the lid.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
