I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
