If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Help. Why am I so naked?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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