I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
