can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
