you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
