They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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