Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
