If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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