All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your cock deserves a montage
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you never un-have a 4some
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