walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
