dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
